my newest movie idea

I realize some people weren't fans of my "Midgets in a Statue" idea.

Basically, "Midgets in a Statue" involves a French mastermind who originally designed the Statue of Liberty to be mechanically operated by thousands of French midgets. When the French government feels America has gotten too powerful, it calls Operation Midgets in a Statue into effect and the Statue of Liberty is brought to life, destroying New York City and going on a rampage destroying other American cities.

Historian and Statue of Liberty expert Samuel L. Jackson is brought in by the FBI to assemble a team to break into the now-mobile statue and bring the mayhem to a halt. Samuel L. somehow manages to get inside the statue with the help of his teammate Wee-Man, who is out to get revenge on a female french midget that broke his heart. Samuel L. and Wee-Man storm through the Statue, disarming and punishing French midgets along the way.

Finally, they get to the control center, the crown of the statue. There, Wee-Man's ex-lover is with her new partner, Danny Woodburn. Wee-Man and Woodburn brawl in an epic battle scene while Samuel L. takes advantage of the distraction and shuts the Statute of Liberty down. America is saved and Samuel L. and Wee-Man are heralded as heroes.

In other words, this is not my newest movie idea. My newest movie involves vampire ninjas from another planet sent to Earth to steal Earth's resources. The vampire ninjas take over the satellites in space and refuse to return the satellites unless Earth's leader give them Earth's two most valuable resources: oil and water.

The citizens of Earth realize that they can't live without oil and water but also find the thought of living without doppler radar and satellite radio unbearable...and so, they succumb to the vampire ninjas' demands. However, some of the vampire ninjas get greedy, as they also demand that Earth supply every Bruce Lee movie available. There is dissension in the ranks and the vampire ninjas split up into two groups: one that wants to completely destroy Earth for its failure to provide the Bruce Lee films and another who has decided to protect Earth and the Earthlings (although for the ulterior motive of slowly using the Earth's resources to fuel their own planet.)

Teamed together, the second group of vampire ninjas clues humans in on the one true weakness of almost every vampire ninja: pale women with small breasts. This leads the characters to begin recruiting teenage females from all the Hot Topic's around the globe. After weeks of gathering the women, Alexis Bledel leads the charge against the vampire ninjas. And I only pick Alexis Bledel because she is so freaking hot. Seriously, I love her. Ever since I saw Sin City I haven't been able to get enough of her.

But back to the movie, Alexis Bledel is the hero. We can probably throw a love story in there somehow. But this movie will have everything: ninjas, vampires, pirates, aliens, a hot female lead, a love story, and of course a happy ending.

joey lawrence is robert pattinson's idol

Robert Pattinson is becoming the next Joey Lawrence. Here are side by side photographs as evidence:





Exhibit A: Notice both like to show off their chest. While Joey Lawrence went the hairless route, Pattinson sports what looks like the hair of a 15 year-old boy's chest. What stands out, of course, is the hair. Joey had the wild hair that every woman loved back in the '90s. Though more whacked out, Pattinson's hair has the similar out of control and wild vibe to it. Additionally, the use of gray's and black's are unmistakable...it says "I'm simple, but I'm bad ass."





Exhibit B: Robert Pattinson ditches the crazy hair-do for a more simple and sleek look. Not surprising, though, considering Joey Lawrence did the same exact thing years ago -- cutting off his long brown locks for a newer, shorter look. But if that wasn't enough, Pattinson also seems to be growing a little bit of scruff on his face. Take a look at Joey's picture, there is noticeable scruff on his face as well.

What's next in line for Pattinson? If I had to guess, I'd say totally bald.

where the buffalo roam

Question. What the hell are the Buffalo Bills thinking? Why does Dick Jauron still have a job? I guess the real question is: why did anyone ever hire Dick Jauron as a head coach? The guy has 1 winning season in his entire career...and that was a fluke 13-3 season with the Bears back in 2001. By the way, the Eagles beat the living shit out of the Bears that year in the playoffs and the Bears failed to win a playoff game despite being the #1 seed in the NFC.

Yes, that's right. Dick Jauron has never won an NFL playoff game as a head coach. If Jauron keeps it up, he's going to be the next Norv Turner...although in Norv's defense, he has 3 playoff wins...though cutting against Norv is the fact that 2 of those wins came last year with the Chargers. And believe it or not, Dick Jauron is older than Norv Turner.

So I ask again, what the hell are the Buffalo Bills thinking? There is no reason to be loyal to this guy. He's a proven loser. And there are even some pretty good coaches available if they wanted to replace him: Bill Cowher, of course, Mike Shanahan, and even Mangini who the Jets just canned. But no, the Bills stick with tricky Dick Jauron. Shit, there are plenty of coordinators who would probably do a heck of a job as a head coach.

The Buffalo Bills are just in complete disarray. The owner wants to move the team to Canada, the team started out 5-1 and won 2 of their last 10 games, and they've got a head coach with a track record of fielding losing teams. You thought losing 4 Superbowls in a row was a kick in the balls, wait until they move the team and the only team worth watching anymore are the Mets' triple A team, the Buffalo Bisons.

the smell of wine and cheap perfume

The Big East is now 3-0 in their bowls this year. Rutgers...hell of a game. Kenny Britt is a beast. That's all that can be said about him. For all the shit that the Big East gets during the year, they always seem to play well in their bowl games.

I'll add to my list of bad ideas: Getting drunk and telling your friends to punch you. You don't feel anything when it's happening but the next day you're pretty sore.

I still can't believe the Eagles are in the playoffs. Seriously. It almost seems like fate. But to quote Freddie Mitchell -- we don't need fate, we have five.


Yeah, that's Freddie Mitchell as a substitute teacher. Hilarious, eh?

So my dad and friend Ant are supposed to face off on August 1st, 2009. According to my dad, he could tackle Ricky Williams. Then it was Brandon Jacobs. When we told him he couldn't tackle Ant, he wanted to prove us wrong. I think eventually it will all be forgotten or he will back down, but who knows. We'll see. I kind of hope, for my dad's sake, that he backs down.

44-6

Well, the Eagles have just finished off a 38-point pounding of the Dallas Cowboys to win the 6th and final playoff spot in the NFC. Only one word can sum up today's events: Unbelievable.

The 4-11 Oakland Raiders went into Tampa Bay and beat the Buccaneers, the 7-8 Texans overcame an early 10-point deficit against the Bears, and the Eagles have now finished off the trifecta by doing everything right against the Cowboys in one of the most lopsided Eagles-Cowboys game I can remember.

All I can say is: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

###

Went to Atlantic City this weekend. On the way there, I ran over something on the Atlantic City Expressway doing about 75 m.p.h. Somehow we made it into A.C. and into the parking garage at Tropicana before the tire was completely shredded. Put the spare on, which was not inflated, and tried to find a spot. I let this yellow Focus by me and after blowing past an open spot, they pulled a crafty maneuver and took the spot I was about to pull into.

First thing I wanted to ask was: who drives a fucking yellow Focus? Seriously. That's about the lamest car you could ever drive.

Second, the guy gets out and I'm like "Dude, I let you by me, I've got a flat tire, you're going to take that spot." He shrugs his shoulders, puts his hands up, and says in this raspy-ass voice: "I'm sorrrry." Like that makes anything better. Oh well. Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too, pal.

I should have realized that the flat tire and guy stealing my spot was a bad omen. But I gambled anyway...and lost. But you know what, it was a hell of a night. After taking a beating at the poker table, I go out to the beach to meet up with my friends and they're talking to this homeless guy Christopher. Christopher was the man. He was totally full of shit...but he was pretty awesome. After over an hour of talking to Christopher, his act wore thin and we left the beach while Christopher decided to take a leak in the ocean.

So now it's about 4:00 a.m. We went to the Chelsea Pub. It's freaking awesome that bars can be open 24 hours in Atlantic City. And even though drinking at 4 in the morning probably isn't a good idea, it sounded great at the time. Gotta love it.

The ride home sucked. I had to do like 45 the entire time and about 50 old people passed me on the trip. Embarrassing to say the least.

Anyway, fuck the Cowboys. I can't wait to see what T.O. has to say about this performance.

And so this is Christmas...

If your family is like mine, there is always the early morning (or in today's case, mid-afternoon) opening of presents and then a few hours with nothing to do before dinner. So what do we do? We turn on A&E and watch Cold Case Files about people who were murdered and then the investigators who solve the crime several years later. A lovely Christmas television viewing.

Because I know everyone wants to know what I got for Christmas this year, here's the list:

1. Money
   
2. A bunch of gift cards to various stores
   
3. Plaid Pajama Pants
4. Button-up from AE
5. Batman: The Dark Knight DVD
6. Flip-through booklet with baby pictures of my niece
7. A Homemade Christmas Ornament
8. Other clothes
9. 5 Taco Bell Bucks
10. And of course...the Christmas 2008 Hess Truck, which I've got every year since I was born

As I list all of this stuff, I feel even worse about not getting anyone anything.

###

As a side note, I think it may be the case that lasagna is the greatest microwavable food ever. I just had a monstrous plate of it, and although some things taste worse after microwaving, it almost seems like lasagna tastes better after you microwave it. Freaking delicious. Garfield knew what he was talking about.

Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

Traveling for the Holidays. It kind of sucks.

The Riverline especially sucks. [The Riverline is a light rail train that runs from Camden, NJ to Trenton, NJ. It's really convenient but also has a ton of crazy people on it.] Last year when I commuted to school, there used to be this one crazy woman on it. She would put her fingers up to her ears and pretend like she was talking on the phone with somebody. When I first saw her doing this, I had to check to see if she had a blue tooth or something: nope. And the stuff she talked about -- being in the CIA, having her baby stolen from her, saying if she told anymore that they'd kill her family, and so on.

Last night's trip wasn't too bad in comparison to that. When I first got on the train, there were only about 5 people on it. I looked around, everyone looked normal. It looked like it was going to be a simple ride home...until about 10 seconds before departure. Out of the corner of my eye I see red gloves pumping and this guy sprinting from the other side of the tracks. He darts across the tracks, nearly getting hit by a train, the train sounds its bell. The doors begin to close but he pulls some sort of Jackie Chan shit and squeezes through them at the last second. Success. He's made the train.

So the guy takes his bright red gloves off and lays them on a seat. But rather than sitting down, he stands for a while. Then he begins to pace a little bit on the train. At each stop, he goes to the doors and looks out onto the platform and then returns to his pacing. He's looking around the train. Finally, after a few stops, he moves to the entranceway of the train and sits down on one of the seats there. He begins digging in his pocket for something. I can't tell if he's playing with himself or if he's just having a hard time getting whatever is in his pocket. After about 30 seconds, he pulls his fist out of his pocket, and turning his palm upward, reveals what looks like about $3.00 in loose change. His eyes continue to wander around the train, looking around for god knows what. At the next stop, he awkwardly rises and stumbles off the train, never to be seen again.

###

In other news, it's apparently not good to eat a shit load of Mexican food, drink a few beers, consume a big azz margarita rather quickly, and then down a glass of alcoholic hot chocolate all in one night. After engaging in these activities, I seriously felt like the walking dead. So, a bit of advice, learn from my mistakes here.

It's also Christmas Eve and I haven't done any Christmas shopping. Each time I'd go out to the mall, either two things would happen: (1) I'd find something that I wanted for myself but nothing that somebody else would want or (2) Anything that somebody might possibly want was either the wrong size or way too expensive. So, that resulted in me not getting anyone anything. Bad move? I don't know. I feel like a jackass, but it's not like I really have money to buy anyone any presents. So, hopefully until I finish school people will be understanding about Christmas presents...or the lack thereof.

there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. it would be a pity to damage yours.

Is the state of Minnesota a joke or are they just ahead of the rest of us? I've been to Minnesota and to be honest, I love the place. Everyone seems friendly, lots of people have that cute Midwestern accent, and come on -- Bob Dylan is from there.

But in the midst of an election recount, it's possible that comedian Al Franken will become Minnesota's newest Senator. This is the same state that elected former professional wrestler Jesse "the body" Ventura as Governor. But if the election of celebrity politicians wasn't bad enough, the worst part is perhaps that Al Franken isn't even a funny comedian. Really, the guy isn't any good at his current job, why would people think he'll be any good at politics?

I guess you've got to give it to Franken. At the very least, he knows how to take life's lemons and make lemonade. While this ability may have made Franken a hell of a businessman from age 7 to 10 selling delicious lemonade during those hot summer months, how is he going to do in the political realm? Is he going to go up, and rather than debating about a bill, tell jokes about his fellow Congressmen?

This is like a bad movie gone terribly wrong. It's like an Al Franken joke and you're still waiting for the punch line.

But then again, it's not like other states' politicians are doing too well these days. Alaska and Illinois sure as hell aren't the beacons of political ethics and justice that this country could use. Maybe having Franken in the Senate won't be so bad. At the very least he can replace Joe Biden as the newest loud and obnoxious Democratic Senator. Seriously, that might not be a bad thing. The world could use more Joe Bidens.

by the way...

In case there was any doubt, Dennis Haskins, a.k.a. Mr. Belding, is in fact still alive.

The next stop is the Eastside Motel

1. Hockey, I love you. I've never really been a big fan of hockey. I probably never will be. But that doesn't negate the fact that I LOVE fucking hockey. Went and saw the Flyers destroy the Capitals today. It was a great game. Hartnell got a hat trick...and that is when I realized why hockey is so great. What other sport lets you throw items onto the playing field? None that I know of. Sure, you can mention the Chicago Cubs and throwing homeruns back from opposing teams. Big whoop. Twice during the game, the ice was bombarded with hundreds of hats. Not one baseball. Hundreds. Of. Hats. It was incredible. Besides that, hockey lets players beat the living crap out of each other. Sure, they're penalized for fighting, but even as barbaric as it may be, it's great to watch. It just may be entertainment at its finest level.

2. Everclear. What the hell guys? I'm walking through the mall shopping and I stop in American Eagle. I hear a song that sounds vaguely familiar...oh, that's that song "Santa Baby." Wait, why are guys singing it? "Santa Baby" is a song for female vocalists to sing. It just doesn't sound right when a guy is singing it. So Everclear, I really do like that song "Santa Monica" but come on, seriously. Sure, I'll admit, it's not nearly as bad as Limp Bizkit's cover of "Behind Blue Eyes" but still..."Santa Baby"...in the words of the great Richard Singer, REALLY?

3. Personal Endeavours. So last time I talked about how my sleep schedule is all out of whack. Well, here I am up at 4:00 a.m. again. And this is after getting 3 hours of sleep in the past 40 hours. My plan obviously isn't working. That's ok. It won't be the first or last time I fail miserably at something.

Number 12 or 35?

Maybe I'm just crazy but one of the best smells there is...the smell when you first walk outside on a rainy day. Breathe it in. There's nothing else like it. A lot of people bitch and moan about rain, but damn, take a second to enjoy the little things in life.

So lately my sleep schedule has been completely screwed up. I've been going to sleep at 4:00, maybe 5:00, even sometimes 6:00 in the morning. And then I'm waking up no earlier than 1:00 in the afternoon. Today I woke up at 3:30. Such a bittersweet feeling. You feel great because you've just slept for 12 hours...and then you feel like absolute shit because the entire day has passed you by already.

Considering I'm taking a 9:00 class next semester (which starts in about 2 weeks), I'm thinking I better get my ass in gear. But let's be honest, it's not like I haven't stayed up until 7:00 in the morning on a weekend playing video games before (thank you John Madden and Mario Tennis) and then gotten up at 8:00 in the morning Monday to head to class. I've got 2 weeks to figure things out. And it's not like it's interfered with my school work or social life...yet. I was still able to wake up at 7:30 a.m. Wednesday to take an exam. So I'm good, right?

And it just occurred to me, I've already wasted half the day sleeping and here I am wasting even more time posting a blog about how I wasted time...I'm an idiot.

this ain't no funky reggae party $5.00 at the door

I was thinking today...you know how we look back on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Saved by the Bell, ALF, and so on as some of the greatest shows of our childhood. Do you think kids that are growing up today will look back at Spongebob Squarepants and Drake & Josh and think that those shows are classics?

I'll admit, I've seen both of those shows, and they're not that bad...but for the most part, television today is crap. There is no TGIF where you can flip on NBC or whatever channel aired TGIF and watch Family Matters and Step by Step. Instead, Deal or No Deal and other mindless game shows and reality TV shows are on. No imagination. No creativity. I mean, if this rate keeps up, I can only imagine what will be next on television...we'll be watching home videos of when animals attack and...wait...you're serious? That's a television show? FUCK. We're more screwed than I originally thought.

One last comment and then I'm going to bed. Why has Wheel of Fortune been on the air so long? This show sucks. It has no academic value, the contestants are morons, Pat Sajak is a complete asshole half the time, and Vanna White is like 50. Give it a rest. The worst part is the puzzles are filled with off-the-wall adjectives and adverbs that make no sense. The clue will be "Person" and the puzzle will be some cockeyed excuse for an answer like "Very Funny Comedian." Here's a clue, Wheel of Fortune: you've run out of puzzles. To be honest, the show has always sucked, but I think we've all realized there are only so many times you can play hangman before you get bored with it. For Wheel, its retirement is long overdue.