Monday, January 26, 2009
What does it mean...
When you're sitting at your desk at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, getting ready to leave work, and you realize that the highlight of the day was that monster shit you took right after you woke up this morning. You're a white-collar pansy. The first person to show up at the party and the last person anyone wanted there. The most exciting thing you did this month was when you breezed through that yellow light on your way to your mindless, worthless job. That must have really knocked your socks off. Do you go home at night and fantasize about how it might have felt if the light turned red while you were still under it? Your life is pathetic. Your notions of adventure are a joke. You have become what you always feared you would. And the worst part is you don't have the proverbial balls to do anything about it.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
you figure it out
It's only after you've lost your faith that you realize you never needed it to survive in the first place. Most people want to trust others. They can't even trust themselves. And I sure as hell can't trust them. So take your faith, take your fidelity, take your honesty, take your loyalty, take your righteousness. All raped. All robbed of their meaning. All stolen from our innocence. All present only on the side of a milk carton. Occasionally showing up in your mailbox with a computer-generated image of how they all might look today. A prediction. An educated guess. A generic fortune crumpled up and stuffed into an after-dinner snack.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Public Transit Redeems Itself
Last Friday, I bought a pair of leather gloves at JC Penney. Last Saturday, I went out to Philadelphia with my friend Brian. We took the PATCO into Philly from Camden. When I got off the PATCO, I realized I only had one glove with me. Shit.
So I sucked it up and we went out. Nothing too eventful happened. Though I convinced Brian that we should take the PATCO back into Camden instead of a cab (like usual.)
Well. That was one of the best freaking ideas I've ever had. I just wanted to try and get my glove back but what I got was much, much more. On the train, we sat down near a group of about 10 20-something year olds. There was also a group of two guys, one of whom was a flamboyant asian kid. Separating the two guys from the group of 10 people was an old man, probably in his 60s.
Anyway, some of the girls in the large group started screaming about going to the diner. Then they started screaming at this girl they knew on the other side of the train. The asian kid starts talking shit to the girls, telling them to shut the hell up and that he's tired of hearing them talk about the diner. Chaos ensues. The asian kid starts taking on like 5 girls at once, bitching out them all one at a time.
The train is going nuts. People start to clap and cheer. The old man just closes his eyes and tries to tune it all out. A security guard comes over and tries to calm things down...and succeeds...but just in time for me and Brian to exit the train and get onto the platform in Camden.
And there, sitting under the seat I was sitting in...my glove...just like I left it. Victory.
And who said public transit sucks?
So I sucked it up and we went out. Nothing too eventful happened. Though I convinced Brian that we should take the PATCO back into Camden instead of a cab (like usual.)
Well. That was one of the best freaking ideas I've ever had. I just wanted to try and get my glove back but what I got was much, much more. On the train, we sat down near a group of about 10 20-something year olds. There was also a group of two guys, one of whom was a flamboyant asian kid. Separating the two guys from the group of 10 people was an old man, probably in his 60s.
Anyway, some of the girls in the large group started screaming about going to the diner. Then they started screaming at this girl they knew on the other side of the train. The asian kid starts talking shit to the girls, telling them to shut the hell up and that he's tired of hearing them talk about the diner. Chaos ensues. The asian kid starts taking on like 5 girls at once, bitching out them all one at a time.
The train is going nuts. People start to clap and cheer. The old man just closes his eyes and tries to tune it all out. A security guard comes over and tries to calm things down...and succeeds...but just in time for me and Brian to exit the train and get onto the platform in Camden.
And there, sitting under the seat I was sitting in...my glove...just like I left it. Victory.
And who said public transit sucks?
Friday, January 9, 2009
it amazes me...
...how unfunny Dane Cook is. Really. This guy is one of the least funny human beings I've ever seen that also claims to be a comedian. His stand-up is garbage. He thinks running around stage and making a bunch of annoying noises makes him funny. I'll let Dane in on a little secret: it doesn't.
His acting career is similarly pathetic. I have a really great memory and I can't remember the last time he said something that I laughed at. I watched "Good Luck Chuck" and did not laugh once. In fact, I turned it off like 40 minutes into it because it was so painful to watch.
Can everyone please do me a favor and stop watching this guy's movies and stand-up routines? The sooner he goes away, the better. Thanks.
His acting career is similarly pathetic. I have a really great memory and I can't remember the last time he said something that I laughed at. I watched "Good Luck Chuck" and did not laugh once. In fact, I turned it off like 40 minutes into it because it was so painful to watch.
Can everyone please do me a favor and stop watching this guy's movies and stand-up routines? The sooner he goes away, the better. Thanks.
I still love you Donovan
Here is a lame attempt to bash the Eagles and Donovan McNabb:
1. First this moron starts out by bashing Donovan McNabb for endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup. Ignore the fact that New York Giants fan-favorite Michael Strahan also did a Chunky Soup commercial back in 2002. But aside from that, what does endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup have to do with anything? Athletes endorse all sorts of ridiculous stuff. What's so bad about Chunky Soup? In fact, it's actually pretty damn good.
If you want to make fun of a Philadelphia athlete for advertisements that he's in, make fun of Chase Utley for endorsing Vaseline. Oh wait, Michael Strahan did that, too!
Chase Utley don't use cheese
Michael Strahan don't use jelly
2. Then, she takes a shot at McNabb for being a "Momma's Boy." While it's true McNabb has a close relationship with his mother, is this really something we should be mocking? Maybe this lady's right. Maybe we should glorify athletes like Adam Jones and Rae Carruth instead of genuinely good guys like McNabb. It makes sense, right? Amy Blair needs to take Eminem off her iPod and start listening to some Mr. T (for those of you missing this obscure reference)
And forgotten in this whole hate festival against McNabb and his relationship with his mother is the fact that Eli and his Dad are joined at the hip. Remember when Archie Manning came out crying about Eli going to the Chargers -- leading to the Manning-Rivers trade? Nothing wrong with that, I suppose...but Donovan, stop being a Momma's Boy. Come on, Mr. McSoupcans. How clever.
3. Amy Blair pretends as though the Eagles didn't earn their spot in the playoffs. Yes, they "sneaked" in. I'll admit, the Eagles got in against all odds...but they also won 4 of their last 5 games to get in...including a win over Amy's New York Giants in East Rutherford. Tony Romo also apparently shit the bed. That had nothing to do with the Eagles just flat out dominating the Cowboys in Week 17. Little bit of advice: Give credit where credit is due or just shut the fuck up and stop wasting our time.
4. According to Ms. Blair, the Giants are also an improved team since their Superbowl win. I didn't realize losing two of your best defensive players (Umenyiora and Strahan) and your biggest receiving threat (Plaxico Burress) led to an improved team. Giants are 8-1 this year with Plaxico. They're 4-3 without him. Now, maybe that has do to with Brandon Jacobs going down as well...we'll find out Sunday. But if you think Plaxico's absence won't make a difference in the playoffs, you're kidding yourself.
5. What's with the forced vulgarity? Do I curse? Fuck yeah I do. But Blair takes it to a new level. Examples:
"At the risk of beating a dead shitbird..."
This doesn't even make sense. Shitbird? Really? What does that even mean? Yeah, it's obviously a lame reference to the Eagles. Frankly, calling them the "Beagles" or the "Seagulls" is funnier than calling them the shitbirds...which isn't saying much.
"I'm all for superstition, but I'm not sure that looking like a fat homeless guy who just got his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter is exactly going to secure the win."
Ok. I'll admit, I laughed about the "looking like a fat homeless guy" line. But then the comment about having "his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter" was just unnecessary and not funny. This is a prime example of trying too hard and falling miserably short of comedy.
6. Lastly, Blair ends with a comment about throwing batteries at her. While I wouldn't put it past Philadelphia fans to do this to a player or opponent (her reference is supported in historical fact since Phillies fans did, indeed, throw batteries at J.D. Drew), I doubt we would waste any good batteries on this chick. She's not worth it. Just another uneducated Giants fan who wants to talk shit but doesn't know how. And trust me, I'm all for some trash talking, but can we keep some minimum level of intellect involved?
The Eagles and Giants have played twice this year already. Each team has won once. Personally, I think it will be a good game. I wouldn't expect anything less from a tough NFC East match-up.
1. First this moron starts out by bashing Donovan McNabb for endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup. Ignore the fact that New York Giants fan-favorite Michael Strahan also did a Chunky Soup commercial back in 2002. But aside from that, what does endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup have to do with anything? Athletes endorse all sorts of ridiculous stuff. What's so bad about Chunky Soup? In fact, it's actually pretty damn good.
If you want to make fun of a Philadelphia athlete for advertisements that he's in, make fun of Chase Utley for endorsing Vaseline. Oh wait, Michael Strahan did that, too!
Chase Utley don't use cheese
Michael Strahan don't use jelly
2. Then, she takes a shot at McNabb for being a "Momma's Boy." While it's true McNabb has a close relationship with his mother, is this really something we should be mocking? Maybe this lady's right. Maybe we should glorify athletes like Adam Jones and Rae Carruth instead of genuinely good guys like McNabb. It makes sense, right? Amy Blair needs to take Eminem off her iPod and start listening to some Mr. T (for those of you missing this obscure reference)
And forgotten in this whole hate festival against McNabb and his relationship with his mother is the fact that Eli and his Dad are joined at the hip. Remember when Archie Manning came out crying about Eli going to the Chargers -- leading to the Manning-Rivers trade? Nothing wrong with that, I suppose...but Donovan, stop being a Momma's Boy. Come on, Mr. McSoupcans. How clever.
3. Amy Blair pretends as though the Eagles didn't earn their spot in the playoffs. Yes, they "sneaked" in. I'll admit, the Eagles got in against all odds...but they also won 4 of their last 5 games to get in...including a win over Amy's New York Giants in East Rutherford. Tony Romo also apparently shit the bed. That had nothing to do with the Eagles just flat out dominating the Cowboys in Week 17. Little bit of advice: Give credit where credit is due or just shut the fuck up and stop wasting our time.
4. According to Ms. Blair, the Giants are also an improved team since their Superbowl win. I didn't realize losing two of your best defensive players (Umenyiora and Strahan) and your biggest receiving threat (Plaxico Burress) led to an improved team. Giants are 8-1 this year with Plaxico. They're 4-3 without him. Now, maybe that has do to with Brandon Jacobs going down as well...we'll find out Sunday. But if you think Plaxico's absence won't make a difference in the playoffs, you're kidding yourself.
5. What's with the forced vulgarity? Do I curse? Fuck yeah I do. But Blair takes it to a new level. Examples:
"At the risk of beating a dead shitbird..."
This doesn't even make sense. Shitbird? Really? What does that even mean? Yeah, it's obviously a lame reference to the Eagles. Frankly, calling them the "Beagles" or the "Seagulls" is funnier than calling them the shitbirds...which isn't saying much.
"I'm all for superstition, but I'm not sure that looking like a fat homeless guy who just got his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter is exactly going to secure the win."
Ok. I'll admit, I laughed about the "looking like a fat homeless guy" line. But then the comment about having "his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter" was just unnecessary and not funny. This is a prime example of trying too hard and falling miserably short of comedy.
6. Lastly, Blair ends with a comment about throwing batteries at her. While I wouldn't put it past Philadelphia fans to do this to a player or opponent (her reference is supported in historical fact since Phillies fans did, indeed, throw batteries at J.D. Drew), I doubt we would waste any good batteries on this chick. She's not worth it. Just another uneducated Giants fan who wants to talk shit but doesn't know how. And trust me, I'm all for some trash talking, but can we keep some minimum level of intellect involved?
The Eagles and Giants have played twice this year already. Each team has won once. Personally, I think it will be a good game. I wouldn't expect anything less from a tough NFC East match-up.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Is Fred Savage the father of Jamie Lynn's baby?
Fred Savage.
Adorable little kid from The Princess Bride.
That we saw grow up on the Wonder Years.
Could not be the father of Jamie Lynn's baby...or could he?
Didn't he play the creepy, controlling boyfriend in "No One Would Tell" a little too convincingly?
And remember, he played the young professor who put the moves on Topanga on "Boy Meets World."
What a creep. And again. Played a little too convincingly.
But being creepy doesn't necessarily mean he did anything wrong. But what does a little trip to Fred Savage's IMDB page reveal?
Well. Well. Well. Caught red-handed.
Director, Zoey 101, 2 episodes, 2005.
In case you didn't know, Jamie Lynn Spears stars as Zoey on Zoey 101.
Speculation or Fact? You be the judge.
A picture of Jamie Lynn and the baby.
Give it a few months. If that baby starts sprouting dark curly brown hair and a mischievous grin, I think we will all know the truth.
Adorable little kid from The Princess Bride.
That we saw grow up on the Wonder Years.
Could not be the father of Jamie Lynn's baby...or could he?
Didn't he play the creepy, controlling boyfriend in "No One Would Tell" a little too convincingly?
And remember, he played the young professor who put the moves on Topanga on "Boy Meets World."
What a creep. And again. Played a little too convincingly.
But being creepy doesn't necessarily mean he did anything wrong. But what does a little trip to Fred Savage's IMDB page reveal?
Well. Well. Well. Caught red-handed.
Director, Zoey 101, 2 episodes, 2005.
In case you didn't know, Jamie Lynn Spears stars as Zoey on Zoey 101.
Speculation or Fact? You be the judge.
A picture of Jamie Lynn and the baby.
Give it a few months. If that baby starts sprouting dark curly brown hair and a mischievous grin, I think we will all know the truth.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Errick Lynne Williams, Jr.
Ricky Williams. 1998 Heisman Trophy Winner. 1st round draft choice. Pot-smoking quitter who gave up on football only to return and help the Dolphins win the AFC East this year. The guy that wore a wedding dress on the cover of ESPN the Magazine with Mike Ditka. You remember him, right?
It turns out, and I did not know this until about 5 minutes ago, he was drafted by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 8th round of the 1995 draft. He played 4 years of baseball before eventually becoming a professional football player. I'm serious.
That's Ricky Williams wearing a Piedmont Boll Weevils jersey (at the time, the Phillies' Class A minor league affiliate.) This really blows my mind. I can't really imagine Ricky Williams being good at baseball...and I guess for good reason. He pretty much sucked during his short minor league career:
A .211 batting average and a .518 OPS. I think I might be able to do better than that. Well, I guess one thing is for sure...my dad might not be able to tackle Ricky Williams but I guarantee he could probably strike his ass out.
Anyway, I went and saw "Seven Pounds" tonight. Decent movie. I wasn't blown away by it. I usually have high expectations for Will Smith movies and this was really just average for a Will Smith movie. It was still good...but not great. Not epic. Not legendary. That makes his last three movies a bit of a disappointment for me. "Hancock" had that stupid twist in the middle that I really thought ruined the movie. And "I Am Legend" wasn't all that great. He could really use a great role in his next movie. Let's hope.
It turns out, and I did not know this until about 5 minutes ago, he was drafted by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 8th round of the 1995 draft. He played 4 years of baseball before eventually becoming a professional football player. I'm serious.
That's Ricky Williams wearing a Piedmont Boll Weevils jersey (at the time, the Phillies' Class A minor league affiliate.) This really blows my mind. I can't really imagine Ricky Williams being good at baseball...and I guess for good reason. He pretty much sucked during his short minor league career:
A .211 batting average and a .518 OPS. I think I might be able to do better than that. Well, I guess one thing is for sure...my dad might not be able to tackle Ricky Williams but I guarantee he could probably strike his ass out.
Anyway, I went and saw "Seven Pounds" tonight. Decent movie. I wasn't blown away by it. I usually have high expectations for Will Smith movies and this was really just average for a Will Smith movie. It was still good...but not great. Not epic. Not legendary. That makes his last three movies a bit of a disappointment for me. "Hancock" had that stupid twist in the middle that I really thought ruined the movie. And "I Am Legend" wasn't all that great. He could really use a great role in his next movie. Let's hope.
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