Jimmy Fallon

Man this show sucks. Jimmy Fallon is less funny than getting kicked in the groin and more awkward than French Stewart.

the left lane

It is for fast cars. Slower traffic should keep right. But you know, there is always going to be some jackass who refuses to get out of the left lane.

some world records aren't worth having

So, first of all, this show Manswers is alright. It's a little unrefined but they show some cool stuff.

Anyway, I'm watching it tonight and they showed some guy who stuck 170-or-some clothespins to his face, setting a new world record. Imagine if that record stands. In 100 years, people look back and see that some guy thought it would be a good idea to stick 170 clothespins to his face. And you know what's going to happen? They're going to feel sorry for him, much like I do right now. But I guess he could have gone for something worse, like world's smallest genitalia or world's least original example of a world record.

But that gets me thinking. All these world records. How many of them are "records" simply because most people just don't care enough to even try to break them? I'm guessing a very, very, very high percentage.

Summer begins

And now I have nothing to do.

Freddie Mitchell

I have recently become a follower of the following blog:

http://freddie-mitchell.blogspot.com/

and you should become one, too.

when I hear...

...somebody complaining about the amount of work they have it sort of just makes me laugh. Really, it's all relative, but it still makes me laugh. High school kids and undergraduates think their workload is so heavy. Laughing out loud.

Parking

Why is it that so many people are so god damn terrible at parking? I saw a woman (big surprise, eh?) attempting to park today at school. She was parking at a meter and all she had to do was pull in and then back into the spot since there was ample space in front of the parking spot. And yet, it took her at least 5 attempts to do this while I was walking by. She kept going back and forth like she'd never backed into a parking spot before. It was truly pathetic.

And for the record, I'm just kidding about the woman joke . . . or am I?

The Return...

So I'm back in NJ and school is starting again. Depressing. It occurred to me the other day that anyone offended by Obama's comments on Leno must be retarded. Kidding. But seriously, his comments may have offended people, but I'm tired of people crying because words may be taken as offensive. Get over it and move on. Now, it's different when the president says it, but still, I think we've become oversensitive to words and this most recent "news story" just highlights that fact.

Spring Break begins...

...on March 12th for me. I'll be going somewhere in the continental U.S. I'm not sure where. For one week I will be a rolling stone.

KFC biscuits...

...are delicious.

cellphones

I understand that most adults need a cellphone. Honestly, I'd be lost without my cellphone most of the time. I use it for everything. And text messages are especially awesome. I even use it to keep track of time instead of having a watch. But sometimes I think people are a little too obsessed with cellphones.

First of all, cellphones allow people to engage in very antisocial behavior. Instead of interacting with the people that I'm with, I find myself sending texts at the bar and whatnot. And I know people are even worse than me with this.

But I can deal with people using cellphones in these situations. That's fine. Pretty much everyone does it now. It's like it's become a part of socializing.

What really annoys me though is seeing little kids with cellphones. Today I was taking the train from my apartment to my parent's house. I figured I'd get a little reading done on the train.

Wrong. About 5 minutes into the trip, a group of 5 girls aged somewhere between 10 and 12 and their parents get on the train. They're being loud and obnoxious. Man, if kids could only see how annoying they are they might not be so bad. Trust me when I say I didn't want to hear what these girls had to say but unfortunately I was forced to since they decided to sit down in the seats right across the aisle from me. Wonderful.

Anyway, in between these girls' conversations about some penguin video game and chewing gum in school, one of the girls says something to the effect: "Oh. I'm going to send a text to somebody. Who should I send it to?"

And so I'm thinking: why the hell does this girl need to send a text message to anyone? Seriously. It's like the president of the United States asking what country we should bomb. Just because you have the tools to do it doesn't mean you need to do it. But cellphones aren't useful tools for these kids, they're fucking toys.

Which makes me think even more: why the hell does this girl have a cellphone? She's like 10 years old. She really doesn't need it. Parents rationalize it in their own minds. Idiots.

At some point during the trip, another girl picks up her cellphone and calls somebody. The call apparently went to voicemail and went something like this: "Hey Alex, I'm calling you because I'm bored and decided to call somebody and guess what? You're the lucky winner because you're the first person in my address book! You should feel special. Well, ok bye!"

At this point I wanted to turn to the girls and say: "Will you guys turn your cellphones off and shut the fuck up!?" and then turn to their parents and ask: "Why the fuck did you morons give these girls cellphones? And you sit here and listen to their conversation and don't do shit about it? Fucking Christ!"

If I ever buy my kids a cellphone before they hit high school, somebody please beat the living shit out of me.

on a trend today

When I talk to a lot of people about what is wrong with America, one thing everyone always mentions is that Americans don't have a good work ethic. It cracks me up hearing this come from college students who go to class four days a week and are having their parents pay their way through school.

you know what sucks?

Getting around 5-6 hours of sleep, stumbling your way into work with a hangover, not eating a damn thing for breakfast, and having to work 4 hours straight without eating anything. Add to this that almost everyone I know is at home sleeping right now because they weren't stupid enough to schedule classes or work on Friday mornings.

hold it...

What's wrong with people? Nobody holds the door for anyone anymore. It's a common courtesy. It takes about a split second of a person's time to just hold the door. I realize many Americans are lazy pieces of shit that don't feel like getting off their couch for more than 10 minutes at a time but does it really take that much energy to just hold the door for another person?

But what's even worse than the lazies are the people who think they're too damn cool to hold the door for the person behind them. In fact, it decreases that person's "coolness" level (if there is such a thing) and really just makes them look like a douchebag.

And let me just clarify: I'm not talking about holding the door for people who are like 50 feet behind you. That's too much effort. And besides, half the time those people don't even want you to hold the door because then they feel obligated to jog to the door so that you don't have to wait too long. But if somebody is only a few feet behind a person, then that person should hold the damn door.

I should start a new policy where I just punch the person in the back of the head if they don't hold the door for me. I won't do that. But I should.

down with the sickness

So. I am sick. It sucks pretty bad. I've already gone through almost an entire thing of DayQuil and I'm starting to think I might need to go see a doctor. But then again, I feel like maybe I'm starting to feel better, too. I guess getting almost 30 hours of sleep in the past 2 days will do that to you. Unfortunately I haven't gotten any work done and I have a bunch of work PLUS my journal applications to finish. I planned on finishing them yesterday until I ended up taking a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day. Ah well. Hopefully I'm better by Monday.

And oh yeah. Happy Valentine's Day?

Angels sign Bobby Abreu

Growing up as a Philadelphia Phillies fan in South Jersey, Bobby Abreu came to be one of my favorite players. Though his defense was often lacking, it was always a pleasure to watch the guy hit. His SLG has dipped off recently, but he is still close to the prestigious .300/.400/.500 club (.300 BA, .405 OBP, .498 SLG). No matter what way you slice it, those are impressive averages to keep up over a 13 year career.

Getting to the point, Bobby Abreu reportedly signed a one-year deal to be worth slightly over $5 million for the 2009 season.

My immediate reaction: what a bargain.

After taking a few minutes to cool my reaction, I thought about it a little longer. And still, I cannot believe what a bargain the Angels got. There were rumors swirling around last week that Abreu was going to sign a one-year $8 million deal. At that time, I thought whatever team signed him for that would be getting a great deal. But one-year $5 million . . . that's highway robbery.

This is during the same offseason that older, slower, less powerful Raul Ibanez received a 3-year $30 million deal. This is during the same offseason that born-to-be-a-DH Pat Burrell received a 2-year $16 million deal.

And Bobby Abreu, who has the 7th highest active total power/speed number (behind only Bonds, A-Rod, Sosa, Sheffield, Reggie Sanders, and Ken Griffey) gets a measly one-year $5 million deal?

Something is wrong here. Horribly wrong.

Either Bobby Abreu has spent the offseason doing his best Andruw Jones impression and eating himself out of the league or he was in a freak accident severing both of his legs at the knee rendering him only slightly worse than Pat Burrell on the base paths.

Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure: the Angels are god damn geniuses.

Advice for A-Rod

Admit you used steroids and apologize. I don't care if you don't really feel sorry and if you think you were justified because everyone else in baseball was doing it . . . just admit it, apologize, and be on your way.

Sure, people are going to be pissed off for a while . . . maybe some will be pissed the rest of their lives. But the American public are a forgiving people. We recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that if in the same situation, we might have done the same thing.

We've already seen how people reacted to Clemens. Clemens is fighting a losing battle. But what you have the opportunity to do is to choose not to even fight that battle. Surrender immediately. Say that you used steroids, that in retrospect it was an awful decision, and that you are truly sorry to the fans, to your teammates, and to all the other players in Major League Baseball. And then move on.

You're not going to get the same treatment that guys like Pettite or Giambi got when they admitted to using steroids. But still, people will forgive you and then you can move on. But if you deny it or try to fight it, you will lose all credibility and each day that the struggle goes on you will only remind everyone of the fact that you cheated.

I'll be waiting for the apology.

What does it mean...

When you're sitting at your desk at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, getting ready to leave work, and you realize that the highlight of the day was that monster shit you took right after you woke up this morning. You're a white-collar pansy. The first person to show up at the party and the last person anyone wanted there. The most exciting thing you did this month was when you breezed through that yellow light on your way to your mindless, worthless job. That must have really knocked your socks off. Do you go home at night and fantasize about how it might have felt if the light turned red while you were still under it? Your life is pathetic. Your notions of adventure are a joke. You have become what you always feared you would. And the worst part is you don't have the proverbial balls to do anything about it.

you figure it out

It's only after you've lost your faith that you realize you never needed it to survive in the first place. Most people want to trust others. They can't even trust themselves. And I sure as hell can't trust them. So take your faith, take your fidelity, take your honesty, take your loyalty, take your righteousness. All raped. All robbed of their meaning. All stolen from our innocence. All present only on the side of a milk carton. Occasionally showing up in your mailbox with a computer-generated image of how they all might look today. A prediction. An educated guess. A generic fortune crumpled up and stuffed into an after-dinner snack.

Public Transit Redeems Itself

Last Friday, I bought a pair of leather gloves at JC Penney. Last Saturday, I went out to Philadelphia with my friend Brian. We took the PATCO into Philly from Camden. When I got off the PATCO, I realized I only had one glove with me. Shit.

So I sucked it up and we went out. Nothing too eventful happened. Though I convinced Brian that we should take the PATCO back into Camden instead of a cab (like usual.)

Well. That was one of the best freaking ideas I've ever had. I just wanted to try and get my glove back but what I got was much, much more. On the train, we sat down near a group of about 10 20-something year olds. There was also a group of two guys, one of whom was a flamboyant asian kid. Separating the two guys from the group of 10 people was an old man, probably in his 60s.

Anyway, some of the girls in the large group started screaming about going to the diner. Then they started screaming at this girl they knew on the other side of the train. The asian kid starts talking shit to the girls, telling them to shut the hell up and that he's tired of hearing them talk about the diner. Chaos ensues. The asian kid starts taking on like 5 girls at once, bitching out them all one at a time.

The train is going nuts. People start to clap and cheer. The old man just closes his eyes and tries to tune it all out. A security guard comes over and tries to calm things down...and succeeds...but just in time for me and Brian to exit the train and get onto the platform in Camden.

And there, sitting under the seat I was sitting in...my glove...just like I left it. Victory.

And who said public transit sucks?

it amazes me...

...how unfunny Dane Cook is. Really. This guy is one of the least funny human beings I've ever seen that also claims to be a comedian. His stand-up is garbage. He thinks running around stage and making a bunch of annoying noises makes him funny. I'll let Dane in on a little secret: it doesn't.

His acting career is similarly pathetic. I have a really great memory and I can't remember the last time he said something that I laughed at. I watched "Good Luck Chuck" and did not laugh once. In fact, I turned it off like 40 minutes into it because it was so painful to watch.

Can everyone please do me a favor and stop watching this guy's movies and stand-up routines? The sooner he goes away, the better. Thanks.

I still love you Donovan

Here is a lame attempt to bash the Eagles and Donovan McNabb:

1. First this moron starts out by bashing Donovan McNabb for endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup. Ignore the fact that New York Giants fan-favorite Michael Strahan also did a Chunky Soup commercial back in 2002. But aside from that, what does endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup have to do with anything? Athletes endorse all sorts of ridiculous stuff. What's so bad about Chunky Soup? In fact, it's actually pretty damn good.

If you want to make fun of a Philadelphia athlete for advertisements that he's in, make fun of Chase Utley for endorsing Vaseline. Oh wait, Michael Strahan did that, too!

Chase Utley don't use cheese

Michael Strahan don't use jelly

2. Then, she takes a shot at McNabb for being a "Momma's Boy." While it's true McNabb has a close relationship with his mother, is this really something we should be mocking? Maybe this lady's right. Maybe we should glorify athletes like Adam Jones and Rae Carruth instead of genuinely good guys like McNabb. It makes sense, right? Amy Blair needs to take Eminem off her iPod and start listening to some Mr. T (for those of you missing this obscure reference)

And forgotten in this whole hate festival against McNabb and his relationship with his mother is the fact that Eli and his Dad are joined at the hip. Remember when Archie Manning came out crying about Eli going to the Chargers -- leading to the Manning-Rivers trade? Nothing wrong with that, I suppose...but Donovan, stop being a Momma's Boy. Come on, Mr. McSoupcans. How clever.

3. Amy Blair pretends as though the Eagles didn't earn their spot in the playoffs. Yes, they "sneaked" in. I'll admit, the Eagles got in against all odds...but they also won 4 of their last 5 games to get in...including a win over Amy's New York Giants in East Rutherford. Tony Romo also apparently shit the bed. That had nothing to do with the Eagles just flat out dominating the Cowboys in Week 17. Little bit of advice: Give credit where credit is due or just shut the fuck up and stop wasting our time.

4. According to Ms. Blair, the Giants are also an improved team since their Superbowl win. I didn't realize losing two of your best defensive players (Umenyiora and Strahan) and your biggest receiving threat (Plaxico Burress) led to an improved team. Giants are 8-1 this year with Plaxico. They're 4-3 without him. Now, maybe that has do to with Brandon Jacobs going down as well...we'll find out Sunday. But if you think Plaxico's absence won't make a difference in the playoffs, you're kidding yourself.

5. What's with the forced vulgarity? Do I curse? Fuck yeah I do. But Blair takes it to a new level. Examples:

"At the risk of beating a dead shitbird..."

This doesn't even make sense. Shitbird? Really? What does that even mean? Yeah, it's obviously a lame reference to the Eagles. Frankly, calling them the "Beagles" or the "Seagulls" is funnier than calling them the shitbirds...which isn't saying much.

"I'm all for superstition, but I'm not sure that looking like a fat homeless guy who just got his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter is exactly going to secure the win."

Ok. I'll admit, I laughed about the "looking like a fat homeless guy" line. But then the comment about having "his chin vomited on by Lindsay Lohan's cooter" was just unnecessary and not funny. This is a prime example of trying too hard and falling miserably short of comedy.

6. Lastly, Blair ends with a comment about throwing batteries at her. While I wouldn't put it past Philadelphia fans to do this to a player or opponent (her reference is supported in historical fact since Phillies fans did, indeed, throw batteries at J.D. Drew), I doubt we would waste any good batteries on this chick. She's not worth it. Just another uneducated Giants fan who wants to talk shit but doesn't know how. And trust me, I'm all for some trash talking, but can we keep some minimum level of intellect involved?

The Eagles and Giants have played twice this year already. Each team has won once. Personally, I think it will be a good game. I wouldn't expect anything less from a tough NFC East match-up.

Is Fred Savage the father of Jamie Lynn's baby?

Fred Savage.

Adorable little kid from The Princess Bride.



That we saw grow up on the Wonder Years.



Could not be the father of Jamie Lynn's baby...or could he?

Didn't he play the creepy, controlling boyfriend in "No One Would Tell" a little too convincingly?



And remember, he played the young professor who put the moves on Topanga on "Boy Meets World."



What a creep. And again. Played a little too convincingly.

But being creepy doesn't necessarily mean he did anything wrong. But what does a little trip to Fred Savage's IMDB page reveal?

Well. Well. Well. Caught red-handed.

Director, Zoey 101, 2 episodes, 2005.

In case you didn't know, Jamie Lynn Spears stars as Zoey on Zoey 101.



Speculation or Fact? You be the judge.

A picture of Jamie Lynn and the baby.



Give it a few months. If that baby starts sprouting dark curly brown hair and a mischievous grin, I think we will all know the truth.

Errick Lynne Williams, Jr.

Ricky Williams. 1998 Heisman Trophy Winner. 1st round draft choice. Pot-smoking quitter who gave up on football only to return and help the Dolphins win the AFC East this year. The guy that wore a wedding dress on the cover of ESPN the Magazine with Mike Ditka. You remember him, right?

It turns out, and I did not know this until about 5 minutes ago, he was drafted by the Philadelphia Phillies in the 8th round of the 1995 draft. He played 4 years of baseball before eventually becoming a professional football player. I'm serious.



That's Ricky Williams wearing a Piedmont Boll Weevils jersey (at the time, the Phillies' Class A minor league affiliate.) This really blows my mind. I can't really imagine Ricky Williams being good at baseball...and I guess for good reason. He pretty much sucked during his short minor league career:

A .211 batting average and a .518 OPS. I think I might be able to do better than that. Well, I guess one thing is for sure...my dad might not be able to tackle Ricky Williams but I guarantee he could probably strike his ass out.

Anyway, I went and saw "Seven Pounds" tonight. Decent movie. I wasn't blown away by it. I usually have high expectations for Will Smith movies and this was really just average for a Will Smith movie. It was still good...but not great. Not epic. Not legendary. That makes his last three movies a bit of a disappointment for me. "Hancock" had that stupid twist in the middle that I really thought ruined the movie. And "I Am Legend" wasn't all that great. He could really use a great role in his next movie. Let's hope.

Late Nights in Atlantic City

Well, I think I might have got my sleep schedule on track today. I went to bed at like 2:30 a.m. but I woke up at 7:30 a.m. and have been up since and don't really feel tired. The problem is, I'm going to Atlantic City tonight. That's actually two problems in one. First, it's going to screw up my sleep schedule again. Second, I can't really afford to lose any money this weekend.

I'm worried about my Grandma Gladys. She fell down the steps a few months ago and hasn't been the same since. It's to the point where I'm almost afraid to leave the house when nobody else is around. But I also don't want to be here if something happens. I don't know if I could stomach it. My cousin tells me it was horrible to see her lying there at the bottom of the steps...and I don't want to experience that feeling.

I started reading the book "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk. It seems pretty good so far but I'm also a little disappointed. Sometimes it seems like he's cursing just to curse. Maybe not. I'm only 20 pages in so I can't really judge yet.

School starts Monday, and although I want to get back into the swing of things, I also dread getting back to the daily grind, not being able to live life the way I truly want. Sometimes I'll be awake and sitting around and I just don't feel like going to class. That's bad. Other times I just can't find a way to wake up for it. This semester I'm going to try to have perfect attendance.

I've also decided that I want to stop drinking soda. I consume way too much of it. So I'm cutting it out of my life completely for the next month and then going from there.

It may seem stupid. I mean, it's not like soda is very addictive, though it does have caffeine. But it's actually sort of hard to stop drinking. I feel like I have a habitual addiction, finding myself opening soda cans even though I honestly don't even want a soda. Then once it's open, I just figure I might as well drink it. Maybe it's all the caffeine that's been keeping me up at night. I don't know.

A tribute to cereal

You know, I don't think cereal gets as much respect as it deserves. I'll give it to you, some cereal sucks. For instance, Kellogg's Sugar Smacks suck. They suck so much that they thought it'd be a good idea to put a cartoon version of Mr. Spock on their cereal to sell boxes. At the very least they could have put Captain freakin Kirk on there. And what the hell is Spock holding? Perhaps it's an advanced version of the spoon, but it looks like a mix between a camera and a firearm. And since when do Star Trek characters have their names embroidered on their uniform? Did Kellogg's really think it was necessary to write "Spock" on his chest, as if any Star Trek fan wouldn't be able to distinguish Leonard Nimoy from LaVar Burton? I mean, come on!

But aside from crappy cereals like Sugar Smacks, there are a ton of great cereals: Honey Nut Cheerios, Golden Grahams, Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Corn Pops, Frosted Mini-Wheats, and a whole bunch of other cereals that are supposedly healthy for you but that I've never tried because they probably aren't half as good as the ones listed.

Cereal isn't just delicious and healthy for you, though. It's also probably one of the easiest meals you could possibly make. Grab a bowl and spoon. Pour cereal into bowl. Pour milk into bowl. Eat and enjoy. Does it get any better than that?

Which reminds me of one of the worst possible things that can happen to me in the morning. You ever pour the bowl of cereal and then you go into the refrigerator and you've got about a shot-glass-ful of milk left? That's the absolute worst. Looks like I'm eating pop-tarts for breakfast that day. But sometimes it's not even that bad, some cereals are freaking great with or without milk. Just the other night I'm at a party eating Honeycombs at like 3 in the morning. And it was the best damn snack I could have ever had.

But anyway, there's yet another reason cereal is great: you can eat it at pretty much any time of the day. Wake up in the morning, have some cereal. Come home from a hard day of work, grab a bowl. Girlfriend just broke up with you, eat some Cheerios. Midnight snack, Count Chocula can solve your problem.