my newest movie idea

I realize some people weren't fans of my "Midgets in a Statue" idea.

Basically, "Midgets in a Statue" involves a French mastermind who originally designed the Statue of Liberty to be mechanically operated by thousands of French midgets. When the French government feels America has gotten too powerful, it calls Operation Midgets in a Statue into effect and the Statue of Liberty is brought to life, destroying New York City and going on a rampage destroying other American cities.

Historian and Statue of Liberty expert Samuel L. Jackson is brought in by the FBI to assemble a team to break into the now-mobile statue and bring the mayhem to a halt. Samuel L. somehow manages to get inside the statue with the help of his teammate Wee-Man, who is out to get revenge on a female french midget that broke his heart. Samuel L. and Wee-Man storm through the Statue, disarming and punishing French midgets along the way.

Finally, they get to the control center, the crown of the statue. There, Wee-Man's ex-lover is with her new partner, Danny Woodburn. Wee-Man and Woodburn brawl in an epic battle scene while Samuel L. takes advantage of the distraction and shuts the Statute of Liberty down. America is saved and Samuel L. and Wee-Man are heralded as heroes.

In other words, this is not my newest movie idea. My newest movie involves vampire ninjas from another planet sent to Earth to steal Earth's resources. The vampire ninjas take over the satellites in space and refuse to return the satellites unless Earth's leader give them Earth's two most valuable resources: oil and water.

The citizens of Earth realize that they can't live without oil and water but also find the thought of living without doppler radar and satellite radio unbearable...and so, they succumb to the vampire ninjas' demands. However, some of the vampire ninjas get greedy, as they also demand that Earth supply every Bruce Lee movie available. There is dissension in the ranks and the vampire ninjas split up into two groups: one that wants to completely destroy Earth for its failure to provide the Bruce Lee films and another who has decided to protect Earth and the Earthlings (although for the ulterior motive of slowly using the Earth's resources to fuel their own planet.)

Teamed together, the second group of vampire ninjas clues humans in on the one true weakness of almost every vampire ninja: pale women with small breasts. This leads the characters to begin recruiting teenage females from all the Hot Topic's around the globe. After weeks of gathering the women, Alexis Bledel leads the charge against the vampire ninjas. And I only pick Alexis Bledel because she is so freaking hot. Seriously, I love her. Ever since I saw Sin City I haven't been able to get enough of her.

But back to the movie, Alexis Bledel is the hero. We can probably throw a love story in there somehow. But this movie will have everything: ninjas, vampires, pirates, aliens, a hot female lead, a love story, and of course a happy ending.

joey lawrence is robert pattinson's idol

Robert Pattinson is becoming the next Joey Lawrence. Here are side by side photographs as evidence:





Exhibit A: Notice both like to show off their chest. While Joey Lawrence went the hairless route, Pattinson sports what looks like the hair of a 15 year-old boy's chest. What stands out, of course, is the hair. Joey had the wild hair that every woman loved back in the '90s. Though more whacked out, Pattinson's hair has the similar out of control and wild vibe to it. Additionally, the use of gray's and black's are unmistakable...it says "I'm simple, but I'm bad ass."





Exhibit B: Robert Pattinson ditches the crazy hair-do for a more simple and sleek look. Not surprising, though, considering Joey Lawrence did the same exact thing years ago -- cutting off his long brown locks for a newer, shorter look. But if that wasn't enough, Pattinson also seems to be growing a little bit of scruff on his face. Take a look at Joey's picture, there is noticeable scruff on his face as well.

What's next in line for Pattinson? If I had to guess, I'd say totally bald.

where the buffalo roam

Question. What the hell are the Buffalo Bills thinking? Why does Dick Jauron still have a job? I guess the real question is: why did anyone ever hire Dick Jauron as a head coach? The guy has 1 winning season in his entire career...and that was a fluke 13-3 season with the Bears back in 2001. By the way, the Eagles beat the living shit out of the Bears that year in the playoffs and the Bears failed to win a playoff game despite being the #1 seed in the NFC.

Yes, that's right. Dick Jauron has never won an NFL playoff game as a head coach. If Jauron keeps it up, he's going to be the next Norv Turner...although in Norv's defense, he has 3 playoff wins...though cutting against Norv is the fact that 2 of those wins came last year with the Chargers. And believe it or not, Dick Jauron is older than Norv Turner.

So I ask again, what the hell are the Buffalo Bills thinking? There is no reason to be loyal to this guy. He's a proven loser. And there are even some pretty good coaches available if they wanted to replace him: Bill Cowher, of course, Mike Shanahan, and even Mangini who the Jets just canned. But no, the Bills stick with tricky Dick Jauron. Shit, there are plenty of coordinators who would probably do a heck of a job as a head coach.

The Buffalo Bills are just in complete disarray. The owner wants to move the team to Canada, the team started out 5-1 and won 2 of their last 10 games, and they've got a head coach with a track record of fielding losing teams. You thought losing 4 Superbowls in a row was a kick in the balls, wait until they move the team and the only team worth watching anymore are the Mets' triple A team, the Buffalo Bisons.

the smell of wine and cheap perfume

The Big East is now 3-0 in their bowls this year. Rutgers...hell of a game. Kenny Britt is a beast. That's all that can be said about him. For all the shit that the Big East gets during the year, they always seem to play well in their bowl games.

I'll add to my list of bad ideas: Getting drunk and telling your friends to punch you. You don't feel anything when it's happening but the next day you're pretty sore.

I still can't believe the Eagles are in the playoffs. Seriously. It almost seems like fate. But to quote Freddie Mitchell -- we don't need fate, we have five.


Yeah, that's Freddie Mitchell as a substitute teacher. Hilarious, eh?

So my dad and friend Ant are supposed to face off on August 1st, 2009. According to my dad, he could tackle Ricky Williams. Then it was Brandon Jacobs. When we told him he couldn't tackle Ant, he wanted to prove us wrong. I think eventually it will all be forgotten or he will back down, but who knows. We'll see. I kind of hope, for my dad's sake, that he backs down.

44-6

Well, the Eagles have just finished off a 38-point pounding of the Dallas Cowboys to win the 6th and final playoff spot in the NFC. Only one word can sum up today's events: Unbelievable.

The 4-11 Oakland Raiders went into Tampa Bay and beat the Buccaneers, the 7-8 Texans overcame an early 10-point deficit against the Bears, and the Eagles have now finished off the trifecta by doing everything right against the Cowboys in one of the most lopsided Eagles-Cowboys game I can remember.

All I can say is: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

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Went to Atlantic City this weekend. On the way there, I ran over something on the Atlantic City Expressway doing about 75 m.p.h. Somehow we made it into A.C. and into the parking garage at Tropicana before the tire was completely shredded. Put the spare on, which was not inflated, and tried to find a spot. I let this yellow Focus by me and after blowing past an open spot, they pulled a crafty maneuver and took the spot I was about to pull into.

First thing I wanted to ask was: who drives a fucking yellow Focus? Seriously. That's about the lamest car you could ever drive.

Second, the guy gets out and I'm like "Dude, I let you by me, I've got a flat tire, you're going to take that spot." He shrugs his shoulders, puts his hands up, and says in this raspy-ass voice: "I'm sorrrry." Like that makes anything better. Oh well. Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too, pal.

I should have realized that the flat tire and guy stealing my spot was a bad omen. But I gambled anyway...and lost. But you know what, it was a hell of a night. After taking a beating at the poker table, I go out to the beach to meet up with my friends and they're talking to this homeless guy Christopher. Christopher was the man. He was totally full of shit...but he was pretty awesome. After over an hour of talking to Christopher, his act wore thin and we left the beach while Christopher decided to take a leak in the ocean.

So now it's about 4:00 a.m. We went to the Chelsea Pub. It's freaking awesome that bars can be open 24 hours in Atlantic City. And even though drinking at 4 in the morning probably isn't a good idea, it sounded great at the time. Gotta love it.

The ride home sucked. I had to do like 45 the entire time and about 50 old people passed me on the trip. Embarrassing to say the least.

Anyway, fuck the Cowboys. I can't wait to see what T.O. has to say about this performance.

And so this is Christmas...

If your family is like mine, there is always the early morning (or in today's case, mid-afternoon) opening of presents and then a few hours with nothing to do before dinner. So what do we do? We turn on A&E and watch Cold Case Files about people who were murdered and then the investigators who solve the crime several years later. A lovely Christmas television viewing.

Because I know everyone wants to know what I got for Christmas this year, here's the list:

1. Money
   
2. A bunch of gift cards to various stores
   
3. Plaid Pajama Pants
4. Button-up from AE
5. Batman: The Dark Knight DVD
6. Flip-through booklet with baby pictures of my niece
7. A Homemade Christmas Ornament
8. Other clothes
9. 5 Taco Bell Bucks
10. And of course...the Christmas 2008 Hess Truck, which I've got every year since I was born

As I list all of this stuff, I feel even worse about not getting anyone anything.

###

As a side note, I think it may be the case that lasagna is the greatest microwavable food ever. I just had a monstrous plate of it, and although some things taste worse after microwaving, it almost seems like lasagna tastes better after you microwave it. Freaking delicious. Garfield knew what he was talking about.

Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

Traveling for the Holidays. It kind of sucks.

The Riverline especially sucks. [The Riverline is a light rail train that runs from Camden, NJ to Trenton, NJ. It's really convenient but also has a ton of crazy people on it.] Last year when I commuted to school, there used to be this one crazy woman on it. She would put her fingers up to her ears and pretend like she was talking on the phone with somebody. When I first saw her doing this, I had to check to see if she had a blue tooth or something: nope. And the stuff she talked about -- being in the CIA, having her baby stolen from her, saying if she told anymore that they'd kill her family, and so on.

Last night's trip wasn't too bad in comparison to that. When I first got on the train, there were only about 5 people on it. I looked around, everyone looked normal. It looked like it was going to be a simple ride home...until about 10 seconds before departure. Out of the corner of my eye I see red gloves pumping and this guy sprinting from the other side of the tracks. He darts across the tracks, nearly getting hit by a train, the train sounds its bell. The doors begin to close but he pulls some sort of Jackie Chan shit and squeezes through them at the last second. Success. He's made the train.

So the guy takes his bright red gloves off and lays them on a seat. But rather than sitting down, he stands for a while. Then he begins to pace a little bit on the train. At each stop, he goes to the doors and looks out onto the platform and then returns to his pacing. He's looking around the train. Finally, after a few stops, he moves to the entranceway of the train and sits down on one of the seats there. He begins digging in his pocket for something. I can't tell if he's playing with himself or if he's just having a hard time getting whatever is in his pocket. After about 30 seconds, he pulls his fist out of his pocket, and turning his palm upward, reveals what looks like about $3.00 in loose change. His eyes continue to wander around the train, looking around for god knows what. At the next stop, he awkwardly rises and stumbles off the train, never to be seen again.

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In other news, it's apparently not good to eat a shit load of Mexican food, drink a few beers, consume a big azz margarita rather quickly, and then down a glass of alcoholic hot chocolate all in one night. After engaging in these activities, I seriously felt like the walking dead. So, a bit of advice, learn from my mistakes here.

It's also Christmas Eve and I haven't done any Christmas shopping. Each time I'd go out to the mall, either two things would happen: (1) I'd find something that I wanted for myself but nothing that somebody else would want or (2) Anything that somebody might possibly want was either the wrong size or way too expensive. So, that resulted in me not getting anyone anything. Bad move? I don't know. I feel like a jackass, but it's not like I really have money to buy anyone any presents. So, hopefully until I finish school people will be understanding about Christmas presents...or the lack thereof.